I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
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me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?