My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
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*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.