This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
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Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Bill is short for Billiam
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over