My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
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Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Interior design 👌
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Mission: Impossible
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.