Last-minute gift idea!
You Might Also Like
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.