i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
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Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
an airline just for babies.