friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
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accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”