[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
You Might Also Like
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point