I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
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[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.