me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
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Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Festive toon…
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat