i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
You Might Also Like
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon