facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
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There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!