H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
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Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
canadian assassins are called killergrams
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.