I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
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*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you