police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
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Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
channeling her this year
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?