Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
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microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Cause of death: Zumba
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
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