I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
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Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?