[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
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I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..