I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
You Might Also Like
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…