my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
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The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Probably my best painting.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.