There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
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“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
My work here is done
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair