Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
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I love you…
…r dog.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u