Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
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“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
😂😂
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.