Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
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when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
m’lady
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
I feel attacked.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
You had me at “define legal”.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”