commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
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[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS