God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
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I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
“Why you watching this shit?”
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
This is a bad sign
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*