Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
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Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.