Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
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What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”