Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
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DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*