*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
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I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*