I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
You Might Also Like
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE