I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
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It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.