Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
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[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
My what?
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.