I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
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“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.