good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
You Might Also Like
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Expect the unexporcupine.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?