Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
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I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
This hospital has everything
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?