I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
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Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.