I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
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Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit