GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
You Might Also Like
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M