me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
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Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Going into Monday like
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.