[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
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Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
time machine? you mean a clock?
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.