God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
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I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.