Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
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I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.