devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
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As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
But I really needed water water water
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Bless you