Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
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It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
man i love columbo
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
I mean…but I did
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
A short story about romance.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter