Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
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Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
*3.5 thank you very much.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm