I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
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snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.