ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
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texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
not to brag, but mine was free
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.