Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
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My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
that wasn’t the question
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?