I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
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Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her